I have been alone almost all my life, it rare for me to have anything to say to anyone, mostly not because I don’t want to; just because I don’t know what to say. I do not have a lot of experiences talking to people.

My whole life is basically being alone, the first person I would say that I first grew a bond with was my sister, simple when you live in the same house, I depended on her for most conversations, but she did not need me, she had other friends, the time went by I wasn’t needed at all. I found myself left alone, shy, but then was my little brother, we did everything together. Our parents were not bad parents at all, they were just really hard workers, doing what they can for us, but that also ment that they were not around that often, I do not have any real memories of sitting down and having a conversation with my parents that wasn’t about grades or small talk.

So in short I somewhat raised my little brother, showed him the ropes, what to do and what not to do, we were pretty close. But I was just using him as a way to fill the gap that I needed for a friend, without having to reach that far from my comfort zone, still leaving me shy even at an older age. Needless to say my brother wasn’t as shy as I was, he soon gained friends, really good friends, and started his life of a normal teenager. Of course I did not want to hold him back, to keep away the one thing I never really had, I wanted him to be happy, I wanted him to be able to live the life I always wanted.

Alone, with both siblings gone, I was alone. The only logical solution for me was to turn to the internet, a place where you can be anyone without any real threat of having to look someone in the eye, to be able to not stutter when you can’t think of something to say, to avoids any awkwardness from all the presser of just being there. Even still it was tough for me, even new to me in my late teens, I had no real experience typing on a keyboard, my conversations were not that of what you’d call entertaining. But in the mist of it all, I still managed to find a friend, even with my horrible typing, someone that was willing to talk to me. It gave me hope and a happiness like no other, my days of being alone seemed like it was coming to an end. I wanted more, I needed to find more and more people to talk to, found nice, mean, weird, fun people online, but no matter what they all eventually disappeared.

I started to find relationships, with my new found confidence online, I thought it was the best way to show someone how I really am, without risking loosing them when they met my wall of shyness. To show them what I’m like when I get to know them, but with this I figured out that I had a type, I liked girls that were fun and open, someone that is willing to challenge me, dispute my unwilling attitude. Because I know, if I had another life, if when I was young managed to have a good friend, I wouldn’t have been open, all the time, I know this shy person is not the real me, I’m not happy when I’m shy like this. But I’m really happy when I’m open, when I can talk to people and not stutter, to keep a conversation for hours, to laugh. I wanted a someone that was able to help me become the man I always wanted to be.

I had it, I had two. Two wonderful, fun, amazing friends, one a friend that I felt most open with, someone that knew the real me, even way back when I was hiding deep in my shell. But not only found a way to take me out, but show me the joys of it as well. Someone that stuck with me countless times in the past, who helped me when I was down, showed me what true friendship is like. The first time I felt a non one sided friendship, where I can rely on her and she me, the feeling of helping a friend is great, but knowing that they’d do the same is even greater.

But that did not stop me from pushing her away, because of my selfishness.

The other was a girl that I felt like I could do Anything for, that she was the one that can help push me become that man I so desperately wanted to be, I saw myself do things I never thought possible, I worked so hard, gave up everything.

That is tell I lost them both, with my obsession with this girl, I pushed my best friend away, like she did not even matter anymore, I lost myself trying to reach my goal, I wasn’t looking at who I was stepping on to get there.

Even with my obsession I even lost what I was really going after, I wanted to become someone I can be happy, where I can say my own name and not feel like its a strangers. I spoiled her, in my obsession I spoiled her like crazy, gave her pretty much everything she wanted, and things she didn’t. What was once an innocent sweet smile of great happiness and joy became something of normal nature. I did this. Everything was because of me.

My obsession pushed my best friend away, and it caused the girl I loved to change, soon my hard work became unnoticed, that my longer hours at work to save up money was seen as a negative. How to me it felt like she wanted more active fun people, I lost my way… The man I wanted to become… I became something else, if i did purses on trying to become the man i always wanted to be, things could have turned out differently, she found another…. Knowing I couldn’t stand a chance against Mr. Perfect, I fell into depression, I questioned everything, she found someone that was just like the person I wanted to become, knowing that the person I wanted to become was now the person I now hate, it confused me, to the point of if I should even fight at all, is it worth it, could I work to save money, go to school to change my life, and become the man I always wanted… So I could make her happy, or just step back and let Mr. Perfect take over……

Needless to say I lost hope, I lost motivation, I lost faith in myself, and if I was even worth it.

In the end I pushed them both away, without even knowing it, I lost them, I’m alone once again, it nothing new to me, I gone through years of being alone. Maybe my true self was only in my head, maybe this is who I really am after all.

Alone